Lord of the Onion Rings
by LemonySnicket-II
Summary: Pt 2 in my 7pt series:One Ring to thaw them all, One ring to fry them, One ring to grease them all, and quickly merchandise them. *Incomplete*
1. A Prologue

Lord of the Onion Rings:  
(A Parody of Lord of the Rings by Daniel Martin)  
  
  
Chapter One:  
A Prologue  
  
Once...long ago, there lived a being of great social and powerful magnitude. His name was Zippy and he was part of the world known as "the clowns". He founded a burger chain named Zippy Burger and it did horrible. Until he developed an Onion Ring formula that was truly magnificent. Everybody loved the taste and soon other chains began to want the recipe too. The Zippy Burger Chefs made a series of sample rings that they sent out to other chains, but the power of the onion rings tastiness corrupted the chains and they became appalling and disgusting in the eyes of man. The same fate awaited Zippy Burger for the Onion Ring recipe corrupted its master's soul. Zippy the clown could not be happy because he longed to know where his recipe was at ALL times. He lived for his onion rings and it soon obsessed his life.   
With all the other chains out of the way Zippy Burger became the only chain people ate at in Halfway America. Then the onion ring took on its masters corrupted soul and became corrupt and evil itself. It made Zippy think horrible thoughts and He decided to poison everybody in Halfway America and be the king of the world. One Zippy Burger employee stopped him and cut the recipe (Which Zippy had deep-fried into an onion ring and wore around his finger as a true ring would be worn.) From Zippy's gloved hand. The terror was over...until.  
The Zippy Burger employee named ZippyChad (All Zippy Burger employees had to add Zippy to their names or else face Zippy themselves) picked up the recipe ring and put it around his finger and the corruption began to consume him. He knew with this ring he would control all of the nations fast food in the world and he would be able to create more chains and become the wealthiest man in the world with this one genuine food recipe that all Halfway America craved. Soon, however, ZippyChad faced the same fate as Zippy. The power of the ring became too much and ZippyChad killed himself by jumping into a nearby lake.  
The ring lay powerless for many years until a hungry hobo who was taking a much-needed bath in the lake picked it up. He was about to take a bite when his hobo friend, Slalom, took it away and put it on his own finger. Slalom told his friend it was to be worn not eaten. The ring had already begun to work its magic on Slalom's brain, which it would later corrupt into nothingness just as it done to Zippy and ZippyChad. Slalom became obsessed of the ring, but unknowing its power he never used it to achieve wealth. Its beauty was all that Slalom cared about and he soon began to call the ring his precious.   
The hobo crowd grew tiresome of Slalom's behavior and shunned him to the sewers and that's where he stayed for years, until a Bobbit named Gilbo Gaggins ventured there when he became lost from his group of adventuring circus midgets who were searching for their lost nickels. The ring had ventured from Slalom's webbed and scaly hand. (All the years in the sewer and the corruption of the ring had transformed him into a hideous monster obsessed with it's "precious".) The ring wanted to be found, it's evil was directing it towards Gilbo. The evil was what helped Gilbo find the ring of doom. When Gilbo put the ring in his pocket its evil plan began and would end many years later in the hands of a very unlikely hero.   
.... And so the greatest fast food story ever told began. 


	2. A 111th Birthday Party

Chapter Two:  
A Bobbit Party  
  
All of the Bobbits in the Mire were anxiously awaiting the arrival of Randalf the wizard. They always anticipated his fireworks and magical tricks. One Bobbit inparticular was very ready to see his old friend Randalf again. The Bobbit's name was Mofo Gaggins and he was the nephew of the great dragonfly killer named Gilbo Gaggins. Mofo had been living at Sag End and the Mire with uncle Gilbo for a long time and loved to hear tell of his adventures, as did Mofo's best friend Spamwise Grungee.   
All of the little Bobbits were very excited about the party tonight. It was Gilbo's 111th birthday. (We would say one hundred-eleventh but Bobbits say Onetity One Oneth) Gilbo had gone all out and had prepared enough food to feed an army and it would have to. When Bobbits had birthday parties everybody attended and everybody brought presents. So in short there was lots of food and plenty of gifts for everyone. Then after Gilbo cut the cake Randalf would create a firework spectacular.   
At about noon Gilbo heard a knock upon his door. It was Randalf, the wizard. He was welcomed in by a very happy Gilbo, "'Allo Randalf! How are you?"  
"Very good, Gilbo, Very Good", Randalf replied.  
"Would you like some tea or coffee...or perhaps some eggs and bacon? It wouldn't be any trouble, Randalf. I can have some up in a Jif."  
"No thank you Gilbo, tea will be fine.", Randalf watched as the little Bobbit walked into the other room and the wizard began to walk around the Bobbit Hole. He saw the place on the mantle where the ring usually stayed but found it empty. Gilbo was falling through their plan. Randalf could not let Gilbo take that ring. As Gilbo entered with a tea tray Randalf asked, "So, are you still following your plan?"  
Gilbo sat the tea down and replied, "Yes, of course Randalf. I hate to say goodbye to Mofo, though. Are you sure he'll be alright? I worry about him. He'd go with me if I'd ask him, but to hell with him I'm taking my ass to Cuba!"  
Gilbo and Randalf exchanged High Fives. Randalf looked around and lowered his voice saying, "You wont forget to send me a ...souvenir, will you?"   
Gilbo nodded and motioned to his pipes and said, "Not much good if there's nothing to smoke in 'em. The two burst into laughter and then Randalf grew solemn. He looked at Gilbo and asked, "You are going to leave the ring...aren't you. Remember what we talked about."  
"But it's my ring Randalf. I found it. I don't want to give it away...It's my precious." As soon as the words came from Gilbo's mouth Randalf slapped him so hard the ring fell onto the floor and he bellowed, "DROP THE RING BITCH!"  
Gilbo was too stunned to do anything and Randalf placed the ring in an envelope and sealed it. "Somebody else once used that phrase on this ring and do you know who that was? It was Slalom...that dirty, disgusting piece of snot that you met some 60-odd years ago. This ring has corrupted you. It isn't a normal ring Gilbo! You have to leave it with Mofo or Everything's gonna go to crap!"  
"Alright, Randalf. I'll leave it for him." Then Gilbo and Randalf left Gilbo's hole and set off to the party.  
  
At the party everybody had a wonderful time and there was much rejoicing and dancing. Mofo sat at a table with his best friend Spamwise and his cousins Mary and Poppins. They were a band of happy chaps having a grand time. Then Gilbo stood upon a tree stump and addressed the audience.  
"Now listen up peeps. I'm an old fart and you all know it so I'm going away. I ain't tellin y'all where I'm going cause I don't ever wanna see any of ya'lls ugly freeloadin faces again. Goodbye!"  
Then Gilbo disappeared and went off to his home. The entire party was startled and as Randalf started the fireworks he ran off to see Gilbo. He had a bag and Randalf stopped him. "That was quite a clever trick...those Black Acting lessons paid off"  
"Thank you...now I must be off"  
"Give me the ring."  
"But I left it!"  
"Must I slap you again my dear Gilbo?"  
"Oh alright take it! Now I'm rid of it and I will be free! Be sure that goes to Mofo."  
"I will."  
Gilbo exited the hole and went down his path and through his garden and into the great beyond, until he could find a taxi to take him to the airport.   
Randalf sat in the chair with the ring and placed it back into the envelope and thought, "I have a lot of explaining to do."  
Mofo stood in the doorway and asked, "Randalf, is Gilbo gone?"  
Randalf nodded and looked at Mofo and said, "Sit down...I have something to tell you." 


End file.
